I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
