reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
