Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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