I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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