My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
