don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
