I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
