i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
