I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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