don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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