after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
