If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
