my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I FOUND THE LEGS
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize