you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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