Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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