the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
They have beer where we have blood.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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