my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
