I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
