so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
