i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
