did you get engaged???
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
