Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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