Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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