I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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