i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
