If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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