sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
