The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
