true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
