i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
