I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
