You're my little dorito
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
