he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
