i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
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She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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