I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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