In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
