An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
