Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
