Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits