Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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