I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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