Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
