I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
