I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
