I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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