I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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