Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
