I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Don't make out with my wife yet
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my shit smells like andre
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
