Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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