Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
