i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
