I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
