I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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