I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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