i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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