dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
