hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
