i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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