Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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