omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
