I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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